?

What does is mean when your ex quotes High Fidelity to insult you? I'm conflicted because I really like that movie so in a way I'm like "aw shucks you shouldn't have" but on the other hand I'm like "but I'm awesome!!!"  This was the chosen quote:

"Can you see your name on that list? Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, SORRY. Those places are reserved for the kind of heartbreak and humiliation you're just not capable of delivering..."

OOOOOH! I imagine a crowd of people surrounding a boxing ring of some sort covering their mouths in playful defensiveness. What I find so ironic is that it wasn't me who caused the humiliation and heartbreak. He for sure holds a spot in the top five of my personal desert island breakups. Ha, and he always moped about how he was never good at anything.


So I think it's clear that I'm not too broken up about being insulted via John Cusack. Actually, if I HAD to be insulted it would be ONLY via John Cusack. In High Fidelity he always had something clever to say and it makes me wonder if his lines weren't hand sculpted by a woman. Guys don't tend to have the gift of witty comebacks and slicing insults, we were given that gift in spades.

In summation, don't start something with a quote. You won't know how to carry it off and you'll certainly be buried in a never ending hail storm of demeaning and insightful defamations so powerful that you'll pass them down as lore to your children and your childrens children as a warning against trying to outwit a girl.

Okay, that might be a bit dramatic.

......

Sometimes you get tired of dealing with the day to day on your own. Coming home to an empty apartment. Eating by yourself. Watching tv and movies by yourself.

I think it's this weather that just has a way of making you feel depressed. Eh, who knows what the hell is wrong with me today.

Ugh Thursday

Sometimes when you say all the things you wanted to say, and most of which being below the belt and hurtful, it makes you feel like you just, I don't know, set off a bomb. Like, a hate bomb? I think the guilt stems from the realization that the words can never be taken back or merely forgotten, but will signal a permanent end to a relationship. I don't speak these sort of permanent, irretrievable words very often and there's only been two instances in my life where I've been so angry and indignant that I've thrown them. The last time I think I was in the tenth grade so....I think that speaks volumes of my interpersonal style. I've let things simmer and fade and I've "forgotten" to return calls. I'm not about repelling and pushing away, more like, I just slowly saunter in the opposite direction.

Today however, I got so mad at someone, I was so tired of hearing of them, from them (rarely *scoff*), and looking at them on facebook, that I just let them have it.  Now if you're asking, 'this sounds like intense anger, who could cause such anger in a seemingly lighthearted girl?' you'd be safe in guessing a boy. I always joked and misused the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" until today. It was long overdue, bottled up, steaming. Now, I couldn't put my finger on what triggered it but, when I got mad, I got MAD.

It wasn't so much the choice of words or the fact that I said them, it just bothers me that I can't take them back, even if I were to try. Saying the difficult things, the things you've been wanting to say for years and it all comes out in this weird, anticlimactic way and it's just....over.

Ugh Tuesday

Yet another reason to loath my Tuesday school schedule, I'll be missing this:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ba3ccCBk7hg

Sick of these shadows...

Today was filled with small wins for Kelsey, and it's only noonish.

I woke up at a reasonable hour, ate breakfast, and as if by magic, dressed and ready for the bus on time. The sunshine wasn't too shabby and it begged me to leave my house for some other reason than school. However, I think it was not being able to make myself a bowl of cereal that served as a catalyst for this morning's grocery run. Grocery shopping makes me feel responsible in a weird way, like, finding a sale and making decisions based on quantity and cost...I feel very in control. I also get to run into old coworkers and make some light chat on my way out. Tony was the cashier today and I have to say I was really stoked, not because he's especially good at his job, just that the way he does it is hilarious to me. He's super quiet with very subdued facial expressions and he says everything at the end of his sentences twice. So there he was, snapping bills, and flipping and folding reciepts, all the while saying nothing. So naturally it's my duty to get this guy to talk, to smile, to...anything. It's my weekly challenge. I'm proud to say that today I got out of him a few quips, what could be considered a joke, a smile, AND a chuckle. A personal...or shall I say "interpersonal" best!

I'm just in a cheery mood today and I'm incredibly anxious for summer to get here. Walking home I realized that one of the things I miss most about spring and summer is the full shadows cast by trees that encompass entire sections of parking lots and sidewalks, almost like giant lily pads. I'm sick of the spindly lattice work of these naked trees and their ugly shades of gray. Where's the deep luscious blues and greens?

All this talk about shadows makes me wonder if I spend too much time looking down.


Naw.

Hooray!

Watch Terry Malloy and Father Barry battle corruption in "On the Waterfront". Do it. Sunday night at 8 o'clock on TCM.

People on the Mesa

Just watched the documentary "Off the Grid: Life on the Mesa" and I have to say that I'm still digesting it. But it just shows a part of the true beauty of a documentary; you may not understand or agree but you can't deny the heartfelt way in which the people it features express their true convictions. It's not about you or your world view anymore, it's about being able to relate to a bare bones human element and just absorb what they have to offer. I'm always amazed by how I start out thinking 'this is insane, this is impractical, dangerous, unhealthy' but in the end get wrapped up in the people's stories and suddenly realize the emotional investment I made when I sat down to watch it.

In short, another truly enlightening and thought provoking feature.

Adoration

I pretty much love Paul Newman.

Hud is on TCM and it is always a good watch.

Everybody wants a piece.

I had a pretty intense nap dream.

Nap dreams are intense because your body somehow realizes that you have an alarm set to go off in an hour or two so it figures if you're going to sleep, you're going to SLEEP. There's no messing around. It's serious business.

But I don't think I deserved to end up in the middle of a workplace nightmare right after leaving work, that's pretty low. In my dream I walked home which was up the hill, through a cornfield, and then what felt like several miles (in my dream) home. Then I realized that I forgot to return the keys to the shop and trudged back downtown, hat and apron still on. When I got there a guy was just sitting on the cold bar swinging his legs, waiting for me to walk in. He looked at me with a creepy stare and asked,  'hey, can I get some coffee here?!'. I told him that we were closed but I could grind some coffee for him, maybe some Casi Cielo? He begrudgingly agreed before spilling over the next days mocha and (somehow) ripping up the one dollar bills in my register. Then all of a sudden there was a line of people out the door. The door had been left open! Oh no! And a whole bunch of hooligans had littered the lobby with crushed cold cups and lids, and left crumbs and pools of coffee on the tables! What was worse was that nobody else in the hotel seemed to notice and the valets just stood and smiled at me, holding up empty coffee cups and signaling for refills. Then, just when I had my back turned, the guy who was waiting for his ground coffee started throwing coffee stoppers at me! I made dozens of lattes and mochas only to have them all returned because nobody liked them. This sort of nonsense seemed to continue for awhile and included everything from cups being thrown at me, middle aged men yelling at me and old women fighting over the tip jar. The whole time me yelling 'we're CLOSED!'

I feel rested but my emotions are still recovering. A very strange sensation to awake abruptly to a news channel blaring and a strong feeling of indignation.

It's better than the one where Robert Pattinson was chasing me down a never ending staircase yelling 'but WHY don't you like me?! Why have you never seen any of my films?!' and me yelling 'it's not personal! Get a real job! This isn't going anywhere for you!'

My nap dreams are insane.

Aeroplane

Weird evening

the end.

TONIGHT!

Sittin' in the classroom
Feel your heart goin' boom
You start to get the feelin
And your head begins a' reelin
And you can't hear what your teachers say-
Because the news is goin round
bout the rock and roll dance in town
And you know I just gotta hear that band play
                                             -MC5


Me. Gardella's. Tonight. Might be extreme....just sayin'.

WHHhhhaaaaa?!?!

Kelsey has a free evening?! And doesn't have to wake up at five the next morning?!

This only can mean one thing. Me. Gardella's. I'll be the one sitting in a corner surrounded by my cigar smoke with a really classy drink in hand. Starting at 10pm it will be ON.

But what will I wear?!?

When it rains...

...it pours.

Watch the Wire. Do it. Now. Go to the Blockbuster and get it. Now.

Seriously some of the best television I've ever seen.

Day at the Deli

I was just laying on my floor (more like collapsed) after exercising and had a very strange sequence of thoughts that led me to my deli days during the summer after senior year. Now this was the only full time gig available in my small town and so what's a broke girl to do but sign herself up, right? I think that my brain must have somehow recognized the inconsequential nature of this job and, therefore, retained none of it. I remember trying to not slice my fingers off, vaguely remember washing dishes and mopping, but nothing...crisply. Nothing except for my lunch breaks. My sacred lunches were spent with a sandwich, a stolen doughnut if I was lucky, and Terry Gross asking all the right questions to some very interesting people. I remember these lunches so vividly, down to the order in which I'd eat my food, some of the people I'd see walking by, and the vehicles stopped by the drive thru bank windows.

I guess the older you get the more you realize how tricky your memories are.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.....hello online journal/thought bucket/garbage can, how I've missed you.

I'm really hungry but more than that I'm lazy...so here I sit. This is the first day I've had (relatively) to myself and I resented having to leave my warm abode for the obligatory yearly doctors appointment where you sit there for an hour in a drafty room wearing a drafty gown only to tell you that you're fine. I could've done that just fine by myself. But something tells me they're slightly more qualified.

I feel like my life is just one bubble that is only big enough to contain me and myself and one more thing might just make everything burst. I don't know. Maybe it would be my brain, my brain would burst and I'd be a medical mystery on one of those tv shows on the discovery channel. I would be honored. But I think I'm taking that too far. In short, I've been a busy gal.

Last night I piled blankets and pillows on my living room floor and drank ale and ate chips and salsa and watched the Wire. I didn't know what else to do with myself I mean, that's what I enjoy doing every other night of the week. It was just that images of happy couples going on dates and whatnot made for a depressing backdrop to my evening. It's not like I blame anyone, I'm not really feeling angry towards the day, it's just that you can't help but feel weird on Valentine's day. Hell, I felt weird on Valentine's Day when I had a Valentine. Maybe it's a genetic defect who knows? But it's over *phew* and even the happy couples have to get back to reality.

I don't think that being single ever really was a problem for me, not in the sense that I do it very well (you're an ass if that's what you were thinking), but in the sense that I'm at peace with it. I'll never understand the girls who can't be alone but jump from boyfriend to boyfriend seemingly indiscriminately. I mean, I like being alone, I could be a bonafide hermit if I didn't have to go to school or work. Not to imply I'm antisocial, just that it's not my life blood to be around people 24/7. However, there's been a part of me that wants to know where the hell they find them all and once they do, how do they...I don't know, boyfriendize them?

See, this is what Valentine's Day does to you. It makes you think about how weird it is that you're single and how you should try to solve that problem before next year rolls around. I'll work on it.